I got another Stephen King book today. It was probably just a “apologizing gift”. Whatever. It’s called The Cell. I still haven’t started the other one I just got and I don’t have any idea when I will start this one. At this time, I am going through some crap, so I really don’t feel like doing much of anything. I am just so tired of things. I was suppose to set up my new computer desk, but I haven’t gotten to it yet. At the moment, I just don’t care. I know it has to get done though, so I will probably do it tomorrow.
At least I won’t have to set my sisters desk up. I won’t be helping her with anything anymore. She ruined any good will I had towards her yesterday. It’s all gone and I am tired of her. I have a lot of things I need to figure out with my life because I don’t know how much more I can take.
I am trying to keep myself occupied with different projects, so I don’t get too depressed and so I don’t burst out into tears. I just feel so defeated. I am just so tired. I just sit here and all I can think of and wonder is, is this how my life is always going to be? Will I ever truly be happy with myself and my existence? I seriously don’t think so and I realize a big part of me just wants to give up and that scares me.
I hate when I am angry and frustrated and filled with jealousy. It makes me feel like a horrible human being for feeling that way. Especially when it is towards my family. I know it has to do with issues from my past and how I grew up and I am trying my hardest not to feel that way, but sometimes….it’s just so hard.
I broke down and cried in front of my mom. I feel like I have failed at so much and I don’t know how to make things better. I think she thought she was at fault, but I told her in no uncertain terms that she has nothing to do with why I am depressed and I don’t want her to feel guilty for anything. I try to keep my feelings bottled-up or let them out when nobody is around so I don’t bother anyone, but it’s hard to do that when I have no privacy at the moment.
I wish I wasn’t continually on this emotional roller-coaster where one sentence or phrase can set me off and make me depressed.
Well today has been much better day then it was two days ago. Sometimes, there are days where I just feel so crazy and dire and I hate that. I know I suffer from depression and I have times when I am up and down, but when I am down…sometimes it gets scary. I guess it’s hard to explain if one doesn’t suffer from depression.
I just feel bad how I snapped at my mother and for something that was so petty on my part. When I get in these bad moods, little things set me off and I don’t mean it. I really don’t. I apologize, but things have been said so I still end up feeling like a bitch. *sigh*
Anyways, I feel better today and I am trying to be more positive about things in my life. It’s hard though and at times, it feels like a daily struggle. However, it’s one of those things I’m just going to have to work on.