Just there…

I got another Stephen King book today. It was probably just a “apologizing gift”. Whatever. It’s called The Cell. I still haven’t started the other one I just got and I don’t have any idea when I will start this one. At this time, I am going through some crap, so I really don’t feel like doing much of anything. I am just so tired of things. I was suppose to set up my new computer desk, but I haven’t gotten to it yet. At the moment, I just don’t care. I know it has to get done though, so I will probably do it tomorrow.

At least I won’t have to set my sisters desk up. I won’t be helping her with anything anymore. She ruined any good will I had towards her yesterday. It’s all gone and I am tired of her. I have a lot of things I need to figure out with my life because I don’t know how much more I can take.

I am trying to keep myself occupied with different projects, so I don’t get too depressed and so I don’t burst out into tears. I just feel so defeated. I am just so tired. I just sit here and all I can think of and wonder is, is this how my life is always going to be? Will I ever truly be happy with myself and my existence? I seriously don’t think so and I realize a big part of me just wants to give up and that scares me.

I hate when I am angry and frustrated and filled with jealousy. It makes me feel like a horrible human being for feeling that way. Especially when it is towards my family. I know it has to do with issues from my past and how I grew up and I am trying my hardest not to feel that way, but sometimes….it’s just so hard.

I broke down and cried in front of my mom. I feel like I have failed at so much and I don’t know how to make things better. I think she thought she was at fault, but I told her in no uncertain terms that she has nothing to do with why I am depressed and I don’t want her to feel guilty for anything. I try to keep my feelings bottled-up or let them out when nobody is around so I don’t bother anyone, but it’s hard to do that when I have no privacy at the moment.

I wish I wasn’t continually on this emotional roller-coaster where one sentence or phrase can set me off and make me depressed.

A better day…

Well today has been much better day then it was two days ago. Sometimes, there are days where I just feel so crazy and dire and I hate that. I know I suffer from depression and I have times when I am up and down, but when I am down…sometimes it gets scary. I guess it’s hard to explain if one doesn’t suffer from depression.

I just feel bad how I snapped at my mother and for something that was so petty on my part. When I get in these bad moods, little things set me off and I don’t mean it. I really don’t. I apologize, but things have been said so I still end up feeling like a bitch. *sigh*

Anyways, I feel better today and I am trying to be more positive about things in my life. It’s hard though and at times, it feels like a daily struggle. However, it’s one of those things I’m just going to have to work on.